Today we celebrate one year since I gave birth to my little baby boy. I was over 40 weeks pregnant, eager to leave behind the outer world, ready to plant the garden, clean the house and have me a baby. And have me a baby I did, right here in our little house on a sunny Sunday afternoon, Mother’s Day in fact. All the transformation that experience would bring me, I did not know, but a year later I can truly say I am humbled, deeply grateful and totally in love with our little guy and the life he brought us.
It also celebrates the day I was born as a stay at home mother, withdrawing from the American work force, giving up the pay check, and started working on the foundation of family and home. It was a natural step, and at the time seemed not only easy but a huge blessing so many mothers do not get. I am a home body and take easily to householding, children and homesteading. I was happy to finally have the chance to devote my energies here, where the heart is, without distraction and was ready to give up the income in exchange for having less and being more of what I knew I was always meant to be.
Yes, one year since I stopped working for money, but truth be told, that is actually when I really started working. I started being on duty full-time, round the clock, non-stop tending to the needs of my family and home while still remaining a part of a greater community and whole. Not only did I really start working, but it is also when I really started getting WORKED ON, the soul transformation motherhood had in store for me was beyond anything I could have imagined, and still can’t. Not only was I being transformed from the inside out, but my identity, my understanding of my place in the world, my interpretation of my work as my relationship to society…all started to shift, causing way more confusion and strife than I had ever anticipated.
Many times over the course of this year I have thought of going back to work, though heart wrenching as it would be, sometimes I wonder if having my work validated from society, paychecks clear-cut and schedules set would give me a clearer understanding of where I stand now. Sometimes I wonder if it would actually be easier, I mean I did spend 30 some years getting to know myself, honing my skills, figuring out my contributions and career. This year has been so totally full of growth for me it is almost a second adolescence and some days lately I wonder if going back would be easier, but then I remember, there is no going back. Going back to work, maybe, but going back to who I once was and how things once were, never, and if there was a way, you couldn’t drag me.
Giving birth was probably the biggest gift the universe has given me, being a mother as well. The joy, the growth, the love, so completely life changing, such pure, total gifts. I choose every day to be here, to be pushed and pulled by the transformative process of parenthood, identity crisis, budget living, gender roles, or whatever a day may bring. And when I am keep up at night wondering what my contributions, my role, my purpose is here on this earth is, well let’s just say bearing life was a pretty awesome miracle to put things in perspective.
I am sure I will go back to work someday, or build up my business to thrive without even leaving home… But for now I am here, moving forward, being born every day, as are all parents, whether they are at work outside the home or not. This becoming is an inevitable part of the human soul, though I think somehow the rawness of the first year of parenthood just pushes you into seeing it all just a little more clearly. Though change is hard, it is the growth, the challenges, the becoming, I am always seeking to bring me closer to my true self and what I truly am here to be.
So in celebration of my son’s birth, my own birth and the birth of my family I give great thanks for all that this year has brought us and hope that we continue to keep being born every day, every spring, every year into our new true selves, together.